Thursday, 13 December 2007

Why are the highs so bad?

So, we’re on the building site that is going to be our future home. It’s the first time that Max has seen it since it has not been overgrown. Touch something not made out of MDF, it’s all going well.

Now I know there was a digger and a small dumper truck around but Max was a livewire. I held him so he could see over the hedge. There are absolutely glorious views over the soon-to-be broccoli growing fields.

I’m telling Max where his room is going to be, and he’s joking with me that he’s having my room. We’re both enjoying the views. Max is watching the builder excavate the footings avidly. And then it hits me.

When I get these highs, I almost instantly feel sad. At these points I’m always totally overwhelmed by how much I miss Samantha, Max’s wonderful Mother. It’s a mixture of missing her, not having her to share our highs with, Max not having her around, and a totally irrational feeling of guilt. Me being here and feeling happy.

The three builders on site helped, if only their very presence encouraged me to keep my emotions in check.

These moments are real reminders of what happened and the situation we find ourselves in. Now, those around me will know, I don’t shirk and I’m not ignoring what’s going on. It’s just when things are going well, I think about what could have been, and was.

I almost dislike everything going well. It gives me an eerie feeling of exactly how I felt, from literally the moment I met Samantha, until the very moment I realised I’d lost her.

Absolutely ridiculous. Totally irrational. But it’s how I feel.

Still, the alternative is much worse. A spiral of nothing, or feeling sorry for yourself is very dangerous and life destroying.

In some perverse way, I do actually like a little weep. It reassures me that Samantha will always be part of our lives. And in a way, will be with us during our experiences. Highs and lows.


Roads said...

Just found this site, Ian.

You express it very well, I think. The sadness of joy which you can not share.

All I can say is that one day, you will.

Spirits up.

Single Parent Dad said...

Thanks for the comment.

And I certainly hope that you are correct.

Roads said...

Well, it worked for me. And the best of luck to you.

Anonymous said...

A great blog and I'm sure many people will be able to identify it.

I've just started a website for single parents including a section on bereavement -

If you'd like to talk about some joint links or ventures email me at

Chrissie x

Single Parent Dad said...

Hi Chrissie,

Thanks for your comment, have had a quick look at your website, looks good.

Will drop you a mail.

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