I can confirm I am not about to describe my intimacy with a Henry vacuum cleaner, nor will you find pictures of me with my mobile phone up my arse.
You'll have to email if you want those.
Instead, if you do plough on, you'll find a current list of my favourite inanimate objects.
I am 'in love' with a few, but perhaps not as much as this bloke, he really loves pillows - long time.
Here's six of my little beauties, that don't answer back.
6 – Our steam oven.
She's a beauty. Having flirted with her more mobile, but far less attractive, cousin, the electric steamer, in our first house, I decided to include a full blown steam oven in the kitchen design of my current abode. The kitchen designer, or consultant, or whatever he called himself, needed firmly putting in his place, after he decided that a single man and his young son would be satisfied with a single fan-assisted oven and microwave. Stereotypinghell. I am glad I stumped the extra for the steam oven, it is in very regular use. Mainly for vegetables, but also for things as yummy as jam sponges, such as tonight. Which is why I love my steam oven.
5 – Our kitchen island.
I haven't always yearned for a kitchen island, but my brother-in-law has, which is reason on its own to love my island, and the fact that he is irritated by the fact that I have one. But it is also a great point in my house, awesome for food prep, and I love having my son – and his chums – sit at it eating, while I talk to them, preparing them a dessert, or continuing cooking for our adult guests. It also has a pop up plug socket, which almost makes ironing sexy, but not quite.
4 – My Mac.
This is most definitely mine, I try not to let the boy even near it, I am not prepared to share her yet. She is my most recent love affair. Having had a succession of failed relationships with the much sluttier, and dirtier, PC, I eventually turned to the more expensive, but hopefully, more reliable side. This thing even makes beautiful noises, as well as being simple, and eloquent. This is a relationship set to last.
3 – Our vegetable patch.
I love having a dedicated place to grow vegetables, and I love the fact that I designed it into my garden, and it is actually working out as planned. We are not terribly extravagant with it. Last year we grew strawberries, potatoes, carrots and beetroot, and this, we only plan to add pumpkins to that, but it has been something of immense satisfaction. We both love our patch, and the produce is so, so sweet. Everyone should grow food.
2 – Our dishwasher.
I literally don't leave home without one. I insisted, as did my late wife, that any house I lived in must have a working dishwasher. In our first place we had to jimmy a 45cm slimline model into a corner, re-routing a drain, all because we were both so set on having one of these little beauties spare us having to wash plates, dishes and cutlery by hand. Something I do from time-to-time, but I really do love a dishwasher, and the fact that even if you don't run it every day, all your dirty stuff is neaty stored away from eyesight awaiting its steam cleaning.
1 – Our log burner.
Originally designed in as a look-nice-but-I-probably-won't-use-it-a-lot item, it quickly became much more than a thing of beauty. When roaring with fire, it is even more beautiful to look at, and the heat it generates is wondrous. I love bringing the boy down after bath time, wrapped in a towel, to sit together warmed in front of this marvellous thing. It provides great atmosphere, and has even provided impromptu light when we had a power cut one Saturday evening, we also had friends stopping that evening, and I now virtually count my log burner amongst them. If I was ever designing a house again, I would put serious consideration to having a log burner right at the physical centre of it. So its heat output could be maximised throughout a home. Mine has worked out brilliantly, and the addition of a heat powered fan, for better heat distribution, has made it even more useful, but still, being central to my home would be even better.
So which inanimate objects have you been sleeping with lately, and if you are this guy reading this, there really is no need to comment.